Why Are You Pushing My Buttons?

How can we then improve our ability to evaluate ourselves for the purpose of self-improvement?  One approach has to do understanding the concept of “button pushing”.  In other words this concept refers to the point at which an individual becomes defensive or protective when encountering information about themselves that is inconsistent with their self-concept or when encountering pressure to alter their behavior.  When individuals are threatened, when they encounter uncomfortable information, or when uncertainty is created, they tend to become rigid (Staw, Sandelands, & Dutton, 1981; Weick, 1993).  They hunker down, protect themselves, and become risk averse.  They tend to redouble their efforts to protect what is comfortable and familiar.

In light of this defensiveness, then, how can increased self-knowledge and personal change ever occur?  There are two approaches.  The first has to do with information that is verifiable, predictable, and controllable is less likely to cross into defensive or protective actions.  If an individual can test the validity of the discrepant information, if the information is not unexpected, and if there is some control over what, when, and how much information is revealed, the feedback is more likely to be heard and accepted.

A second answer lies in the role other people can play in helping insight to occur.  It is almost impossible to increase skill in self-awareness unless we interact with and disclose ourselves to others.  Unless one is willing to open up to others, to discuss aspects of the self that seem ambiguous or unknown, little growth can ever occur.

Self-disclosure, therefore, is a key to improvement in self-awareness.  Harris (1981) points out:

Our self-reflection in a mirror does not tell us what we are like; only our reflection in other people.  We are essentially social creatures, and our personality resides in association, not in isolation.

From a theological perspective the same could be said.  Our self-reflection against the Creator tells us our true weaknesses and gives us an opportunity to assimilate the better.

In my next discussion I will explore important areas of self-awareness.

The Mystery of Self-Awareness

Students of human behavior have long known that knowledge of oneself – self-awareness, self-insight, self-understanding – is essential to one’s productive personal and interpersonal functioning, and in understanding and empathizing with other people.  My goal in discussing this topic is to help you understand the importance of self-awareness if you are to be a successful manager and leader of either your business or your family.

Erich Fromm (1939) was one of the first behavioral scientists to observe the close connection between one’s self-concept and one’s feelings about others: “Hatred against oneself is inseparable from hatred against others.”  Carl Rogers (1961) later proposed that self-awareness and self-acceptance are prerequisites for psychological health, personal growth, and the ability to know and accept others.  In fact, Rogers suggested that the basic human need is for self-regard, which he found to be more powerful in his clinical cases than physiological needs; however, self-knowledge may inhibit personal improvement rather than facilitate it.  The reason is that individuals frequently evade personal growth and new self-knowledge.  They resist acquiring additional information in order to protect their self-esteem or self-respect.  If they acquire new knowledge about themselves there is always the possibility that it will be negative or that it will lead to feelings of inferiority, weakness, evilness, or shame.  So they avoid new knowledge.  Therefore, we avoid personal growth, then, because we fear finding out that we are not all that we would like to be.  If there is a better way to be, our current state must therefore be inadequate or inferior.  The realization that one is not totally adequate or knowledgeable is difficult for many people to accept.  This resistance is the “denying of our best side, of our talents, of our finest impulses, of our highest potentialities, of our creativeness” (Maslow, 1962).  Freud (1956) asserted that to be completely honest with oneself is the best effort an individual can make, because complete honesty requires a continual search for more information about the self and a desire for self-improvement.  The results of that search are usually uncomfortable.

Seeking knowledge of the self, therefore, seems to be an enigma.  It is a prerequisite for and motivator of growth and improvement, but it may also inhibit growth and improvement.  It may lead to stagnation because of fear of knowing more.  How, then, can improvement be accomplished?  The answer to this question has several components, to which we will begin to dissect in my next blog.

The Importance of Competent Managers

I often lecture on the topic of management and have often been quoted saying that 80% of those in management and leadership positions are in the wrong seat on the bus.  To be more specific a certain percentage shouldn’t be on the bus at all, but rather ejected as it moves down the road.  Their character flaws and general lack of knowledge for operations under their control significantly hamper the successful progress of an organization and the development of the people who are a part of that organization; in other words they suck all the oxygen out of the air and deplete all other forms of energy thereby hindering the better employees from maximizing their potential.   In general, we universally lack competent leaders in our families and the countless organizations that are a direct and indirect part of our lives.

Dr. Bob Moorehead of Seattle’s Overlake Christian Church, described it this way:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.  We spend more but have less; we buy ore but enjoy it less.  We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time.  We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgment; more experts but more problems; more medicine but less wellness.  We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get too tired read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.  We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.  We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.  We have learned how to make a living but not a life; we’ve added years to life but not life to years.  We’ve been all the way to the moon and back but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.  We’ve conquered outer space but not inner space.  We’ve done larger things but not better things.  We’ve cleaned up the air but polluted the soul.  We’ve split the atom but not our prejudice.  We write more but learn less.  We plan more but accomplish less.  We’ve learned to rush but not to wait.  We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever but have less communication.  These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.  These are the times of world peace but domestic warfare; more leisure but less fun; more kinds of food but less nutrition.  These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, of fancier houses but broken homes.  These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.  It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.

After reading Dr. Moorehead’s assessment of the current state of human life, most of us would agree that he was spot on, and in fact, his points are at the heart of the deficiencies of people in general and more specifically are the contributing factors to the ruling majority: incompetent managers.  Despite all this change in our environment, there is something that has remained, and continues to remain relatively constant.  With minor variations and stylistic differences, what has not changed in several thousand years are the basic skills that lie at the heart of effective, satisfying, growth-producing human relationships.  Freedom, dignity, trust, love, and honesty in relationships have always been among the goals of human beings, and these same basic human skills still like at the heart of effective human interaction.  This series will discuss skills that help us become more competent as managers and leaders in our families, businesses, churches, and communities.  These skills include managing conflict, motivating employees, communicating supportively, gaining power and influence, building effective teams, leading positive change, empowering and delegating, solving problems creatively, managing stress and developing self-awareness.

In my next blog I will discuss the first topic of this series, developing self-awareness.